Yea. It’s been almost two months since the blog world has heard anything from me. Shame, I know. BUT, my excuses are somewhat valid.
My brother got married, I’ve been visiting my fiance more often and getting involved with his ministry (can’t wait for it to officially be ‘ours’ but it’s been amazing all the same), I had my 21st birthday (and didn’t get wasted like basically every other American.), I’ve been wedding planning, Matt and I put an offer on a beautiful house (still waiting to hear back…), and I’ve been trying to sort out my life and figure out where God wants me to go with this whole “you should probably be thinking about an actual job” thing.
Sadly, out of all of these things, I haven’t been taking pictures, I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been making cool things out of old furniture…basically haven’t done anything creative since the last time I posted, and to be honest, I’ve just been in a total depression. I have been in a slump where I’ve been doubting my abilities; there have been numerous times where I have let myself believe that I can’t be a photographer, I can’t be a blogger, I can’t make a living off of these things. I let myself forget that this is only the beginning…I’m going to fail, and fail miserably. I’m going to mess up, and I’m going to be totally wrong in how I go about doing things. I forget that failing doesn’t mean I can’t succeed, it just means I need to change and work harder.
I’m realizing these things because for the first time in my life, I was told by someone my work was not ‘quality.’ I was told I wasn’t good enough. And people, if you’ve never experienced this, I’m telling you, it can put you into a black hole of bad self-esteem like nothing else. So I was left with two choices:
I could either quit forever, believing that I’m not good enough and that I should just stick with my cleaning job for the rest of my life,
I could start over, knowing I can do better next time by using this horrific criticism as a boost to make myself the best I could possibly be.
After a stupid amount of tears, and probably a little too much anger, I chose option one.
Guys, I’m not givin’ up. God has called me to creativity, I am sure of this. Maybe it’s not photography, but I’m not going to decide that until it is 100% clear to me that I shouldn’t do it. I cannot let go of this passion just because of a dang criticism. God does not call us to let go when it gets difficult. If anything, this is more confirmation that I’m supposed to be doing this. Nobody gets anything perfect the first time around. Winston Churchill said “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Whether or not I’m supposed to be a photographer really doesn’t matter if I’m not going to at least try. And whether I’m supposed to make a living off of pictures and blog posts doesn’t change anything if I just give up.
So, bear with me as I make some changes. I might not post for another two months. I might post again in a few hours. I’m just trying to figure this out, and that starts with making some changes. I might change my entire blog; I might trash this one and start over. (Yea, I probably won’t do that.) I’ll probably update a lot of things, get rid of some things, and change just about everything, including the way I do my photography. Hopefully these changes will be good…I really think they will be in the end. But I’m not giving up this passion quite yet. There are way too many ways to succeed to just give up over my one failure.