The creative juices were flowing today, and along with all the things I got done this afternoon, I cooked a meal completely from scratch. It was easy; I’m sure it’s been made a million times before, but just doing something different than what I normally do was extremely refreshing. It’s macaroni and cheese with orange peppers and tomatoes, with a side of sliced cucumbers drenched in lime and salt. And it wasn’t half bad!
I also found a new photographer whose pictures I immediately fell in love with; his name is Theo Wenner. His style is a lot like the kind of photos I would love to be able to take someday. Here’s one so you can get an idea:
Anyway, this probably seems like a pointless post. Maybe that’s because it is, sort of. But I just wanted to update on some of the new things going on, small as they may be.
I used to laugh a lot. Just the other day, someone told me that I look sad, and I thought ‘wow. what a difference…’ And my loss of joy isn’t because of circumstance; I have nothing to be upset about, really. I have a great life. My loss of joy is because I’m looking for joy in the wrong places. The things I’m looking at to find joy can bring me happiness, but not actual joy.
Joy comes from God. It’s found in Him; it’s found from praising Him, studying Him, loving Him. I haven’t been doing that like I should lately. I’ve been letting work and projects and chores get in the way of my God. And when I step back and think about that, it makes me a sick to my stomach because how could I POSSIBLY want work more than God, the One who created this freaking world, and everything in it and outside of it, AND He loves me more than all of that. Seriously, what am I thinking?! I’ll spend all of this time on things that don’t even matter, and then I’ll read my Bible for about three seconds and somehow I let myself think that’s good enough?
Well, come to find out, it’s not good enough, because all it’s brought me is a lot of days spent feeling empty and sorry for myself because I know there’s more joy to be found in life than cleaning office buildings (Yes. I am a janitor.) or reorganizing my room every four days. Philippians 4:4 tells us to ‘rejoice in the Lord always.’ Not just sometimes, like when we feel like it.
So that’s my challenge for myself (and for you if you like taking challenges!). I’m going to spend more time finding joy in my Father, and less time trying to find joy in overworking myself. I mean, when I think about it, it should really be a pretty easy challenge.
I’ve spent a lot of time putting things off. Not just every day things like cleaning or laundry . . . you know, simple things like that. I put off the serious stuff. Stuff like becoming this independent person that everyone else seems to know how to be. Sure, I can take care of myself. I know the basics of survival. But there are a lot of things I never let myself learn. Like, what kind of person am I going to be? What exactly am I going to do with my life?
I have no idea.
Sorry, is this a little heavy for a first blog? I’m okay with it if you are.
Anyway. It’s these simple questions that I’ve been asking myself lately, and the truth is, I think I’ve been putting them off not because I don’t want to know the answers. The reason is actually a little pathetic, really. I put them off because of how cliche they are. The questions annoy me because it’s what people are constantly asking.
You know that relative that always asks the same questions every single time they talk to you? I mean, this is the same thing except it’s not just a relative, it’s EVERYONE that’s asking this question. So instead of thinking of a real answer, it’s easier to just make one up really fast, right? Of course. And even worse, you don’t want to become the person that asks the annoying questions; hence the reason I don’t ask them of myself. So instead, I put it off . . . until now.
It’s time to ask the questions. It’s time to figure it out and become an adult who knows what they want out of life. It’s time to ask myself the difficult questions I keep avoiding out of annoyance. But the nice thing is that, as a Christian, I can answer part of those questions . . . I’m God’s kid, and with this known fact, I’m supposed to go out and help other people see they are also God’s kids. Along the way, I’m going to learn a few more answers, not all of them, but enough of them. So I guess that’s kind of a purpose of this blog; I’m starting over with something fresh. There are no fake appearances, because I’m done giving fake answers, and everything else from here on will be the parts of myself that I’m discovering and choosing to share with the world. I’m not going to pretend to be a person that I’m not; I’m going to become the person that I am.